House Husband

When I started this blog, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it or how it would go. You can probably tell that from the 1 year-ish gap between the launch post and relaunch post. If anything, it was the very beginning of an idea, with a much better chance to fail than succeed.

Now here I am, writing this post 1.5 years after losing my job. It took me that long to figure out what it meant to not-seek employment; to define what being a homemaker means as someone who had two working parents and has worked fulltime since eighteen; and, well, to get my head right. It’s all connected–and I’m still not sure I have it totally cracked.

I have learned a few things, though, and thought I’d share.

Approach it like a job (that you love)

After thirty years of waking up early to commute to work (and log on remotely for the last few), it took me a while to adjust to not worrying about someone who approved my raises seeing me in the office or online.

That doesn’t mean it felt like vacation. It really doesn’t mean I wanted to be lazy.

Managing the household involves everything from loading/unloading the dishwasher to maintaining the garden, replacing burned out wall outlets to defrosting freezers, planning and cooking dinner and taking the car in for maintenance, grilling and mowing, paying bills, making coffee in the morning, organizing the basement, garage, pantry, cupboards, and closets, etc. To some, that all might sound boring, but IT IS KEY to approach it like a rewarding job because that’s how you see the value in what you’re doing. It’s how you provide, which is as important to a man as breathing. Believe.

Be resourceful and willing to learn

There’s an easy trap to fall into in being a homemaker I hope anyone who goes the same route I did can avoid: spending money rather than doing things.

We live in the most amazing era of information access mankind has known. Seriously, you can learn how to do practically anything by spending a few minutes on your phone. It’s kind of nuts. Take advantage of it!

For example, we had an outdoor outlet go bad and need replacing. I could have called an electrician and paid a hundred dollars for ten minutes of his time, but instead, I watched a couple of YouTube videos, ran to Home Depot to buy the part, and did it myself. Yes, it took me more than ten minutes, but I know how to do that now. The longest part of the whole thing was figuring out which fuse to shut off first.

Another example happened just this week, when our freezer decided it didn’t want to hold temp amid the crazy heatwave here in the US. We did not want to buy a new one, so off to Google I went. After ten minutes of reading, about thirty minutes of cleaning years worth of dust and grime off the cooling coils, and a few hours of letting the freezer fully defrost, it runs good as new.

With a little research and the right attitude, there’s so much stuff you can do yourself around the house, which feels great, again, in the provider vein.

Do it for yourself, too

The lesson that took me the longest to learn was to accept that I’m doing this House Husband thing for myself as well as my wife. I know that sounds strange, and you might be thinking that the entire idea of not seeking a new job is “for me” (ie – selfish), but the emotions are not that at all. Desire to contribute can turn quickly into one-sided service, where everything is about doing stuff for your spouse.

None of that is “Woohoo, Daddy’s retired, ya’ll!” Not even a little bit. More like a constant itch that I need to do more-more-more to show my wife I have value. Which she never asks me to do–so that’s ALL on me; all in my head.

That’s how you lose yourself, which neither of you want.

The remedy is two fold:

• Remember why you’ve punched out from the corporate rat race
• Take joy and reward from what you’re providing

It’s not an easy path for men, who’ve been programmed since childhood to ‘provide’ by bringing home a paycheck, but as long as you get your head right about it and you and your spouse are happy, it’s a great life filled day after day with joyful feelings of accomplishment, doing things for your family rather than to make someone else rich.

Thanks for reading,

-HH